Tuesday, December 8, 2015


The title of this post is something I do often, and happens to be one of my favourite 'words', I guess. It translates to "genjitsu touhi", or in English as "escaping reality" (in a bad way, as in you're running away, not just getting away, ya feel?)

Anyway, I had so many posts I wanted to do, and actually wrote up partially but didn't have the 'energy' (やる気) to actually do any of it. On the real, i'm really trying to work on myself, because that's the only way I can get out of this rut.

I have a problem with people who are constantly telling me to not change, that i'm beautiful the way I am, that looks aren't everything, yaddah yaddah. Well, to me they are. They are really important. And I could care less about what you think. I care about what I think, and how I see myself, and I hate it. That's why I want to change. Not to mention, perpetuating the idea of staying who you are, whether physically, mentally, or whatever else is the stupidest thing I see going around these days. Are you really not going to expand and try to be a better person? Sure, you're not the same person you were yesterday because each day brings, no matter how small, a new experience, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're growing from it. You actually have to actively do stuff to you know, better yourself as a human being. Or do you think you're perfect? Because I have a huge ego (despite hating myself) and even I know I am not perfect.

I try not to be angry at the world, but it's hard. Stupid things piss me off, even when I don't want them to. But it's not even big things that bother me, it's the tiniest things that no one even notices. I guess that's the B-type blood in me.

That being said, I haven't actually gotten diagnosed with either ADHD/ADD, but I'm pretty sure I have something along those lines. I've seen a few people/heard a few people say that neither of them exist, and you sir, are fucking dumb. I totally think it's something we brought upon ourselves/made it worse, but the actual disorder is a real thing.

Moreover, I totally think I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I was actually told I probably have it by my mental health doctor (that was more for helping me with sleeping issues and anxiety which greatly went away) than like psychiatric help. He was observing me though, and I wasn't particularly prescribed anything or told anything concrete. But also, at the time I was still hating myself typically, but I was in a pretty good place.

Since i've moved to America, i've gained a ridiculous amount of weight. My binge/purge issues have been terrible, and I haven't even been able to fast. (I think I mentioned it on here before...) I keep trying to work out, eat less, but after a few good days, I just end up hating myself and without even honestly realizing it, i've binged on like 15,000kal. I don't even like food, it's just something to stuff into my face, and I guess habit.

I'm really trying to stay positive. I'm actually surprisingly positive and critical thinking when it comes to -most- things, but when it comes to how I look, I really don't care, I just want to go from point a to point b as fast as possible. Also, come on, i'm old. I don't want to be fat for another 10 years.

Tangent, tangents. Anyway, I don't have many friends here, but the few I do have, I occasionally go outside to see. I know this is going to sound like a stupid plea of 'wow feel bad for me and congratulate me for doing so well' but I don't mean it like that, I really just want the acknowledgment? I guess. It's really REALLY fucking hard for me to go outside knowing how ugly I am. I can't wear the clothes I want, I can't style my hair or wear makeup I want. I can't even take a selfie most of the time because I HATE how I look. It takes me days in advance to even plan on going outside. It's not something I just say OH OKAY IM GOING TO GO OUT AND SEE YOU NOW. It's really REALLY fucking hard. I don't cry ever (unless a pet dies), but if I did, I would probably be crying non-stop. Just breathing makes me want to rip off all the fat off my body. I hate sitting down, I can feel all my rolls, how fat my chest is/upper body, how gross my stomach has gotten, my thighs touching. It's a disgrace and I should be let down for being so fucking ugly and fat.

The thigh thing btw - I'm top heavy, so whenever people say 'thigh gaps aren't possible' is dumb as shit, because it totally depends on the body. I wasn't even skinny, but even at like 140lbs I had a thigh gap, just because my legs are the thinner part of me. When I was near my lower weight of like 100-110 even band men (SKINNY ASS BAND MEN) commented on how nice and thin my legs were. It was the one thing I liked other than my collar bones (my neck area was thin, it's my back/waist/arms that are huge). If I had only lost a few more pounds I would have actually been good at that point. It takes a while for my upper body to lose weight, so I really do have to be 100pounds or less to actually look proportionate (even though I get a lot of shit for it). I've been close, man. And I was completely healthy and still a little squish. My body frame is -ridiculously- small, I don't have much muscle and that area of weight was just good for me.

Of course I just rambled on about nothing related to anything of course, but I just get annoyed mid sentence about things I suddenly remember.

Anyway, so my goal this year is the same as always. Get under 100lbs/around 40-45ish kg and see how I feel from there. I don't like the completely emaciated look, just ridiculously skinny. I wrote out a plan, and I really want to stick with it, but it's going to be so hard. Nothing comes easy though, so I better suck it the fuck up haha

I remember when I was actually "thin" ish and had so much more life in me because I didn't hate myself 100000%. I still needed to lose some weight, but I was lightyears happier than I am now. For me, weight really determines my happiness. When I lost weight, my face looked better and slimmer, I had veins showing which is totally my thing, and my collarbones and slight hip bones were amazing.

When I was in middle school/high school, I was 300+lbs, and I don't even know why it suddenly hit me, but just knowing how incredibly fat I was put me in a huge depression. I cut myself, stopped eating, did everything I could think to do to lose weight. I was so upset for how fat I was, I hated it, I hated myself. And now, I feel that same hatred. When I had lost that weight of nearly 200lbs, I actually didn't mind going outside, or seeing friends. Not to mention i'm a total attention whore and loved compliments and people telling me how beautiful I am.

To be honest, I still get told I'm beautiful. But I don't care, because I don't believe it.

For that short period of time that I was thin-ish, I actually believed it. And I fucking loved it. That's all I want again. I want to know i'm beautiful. Because that's all I want in life. I want to be surrounded by beautiful things, and be beautiful myself. I have ridiculous expectations of other people and myself that I will probably die alone, but as long as until then, I can bathe in attention I'll be fine haha

Things like this make me sound like I really have no grasp of reality, but I swear I do. I just don't care when it comes to myself, I guess.

I don't even know what this post is. I just didn't have anyone to talk to that I felt would properly listen to me, or actually care enough to give me feedback? Or let me rant without saying 'nooooo youre pretty :((((((' or some other useless shit that some people may need to hear, but not me. So here we are in another jumbled up stream of consciousness since that's all I can do.

.... unrelated again, but I can't believe how bad I am at gathering my thoughts together, or just... writing. I mean, I wasn't amazing before, but considering I BS'd 99% of my work in hs and college and still passed, it's sort of deplorable. I must have lost multiple brain cells that will never return.... god damnit. (And now to hate myself not only for my looks, but now also being a useless human being with no actual talents or life goals other than to be hot and skinny).


Here's some music.

Sakanaction - Shin Takara Jima

Tuesday, February 17, 2015


I meant to do a few more updates on makeup I tried from the drugstore but ended up returning it all before taking photos or doing a post. It was all, for lack of better words, shit, so it discouraged me. Sort of ridiculous, but tiny little insignificant things like that discourage me and make me lose any sort of motivation for days. Forget about "i'll do it tomorrow", it's more like "ugh give me a week."

I feel like a lot of people I know online feel the same way (well, some of my friends offline as well).

Literally 98% of any sort of emotion i'm having that day will be connected to my weight, which is why it's often all I talk about if asked, but I generally try to not bring it up into conversation when someones asks the socially required question - how are you? To which of course, is always the same answer - fine. Because who really wants to go on about how they're feeling to someone who actually has to ask.

So, well, as you can guess i've just been feeling shitty lately. Shitty as in fat, so I feel shitty. It's so ridiculously obnoxious (I am, not like, anything tangible, just my entire being) to do anything. I still find little things to do, but I hate the idea of going outside - not to avoid people or anything, but because the idea of being looked at is so infuriating. Especially looking how I do now. (I think I mentioned this before). Gross, such fat. Such rolls. Wow.

I'm just spewing words here now, but the other day I was looking at tumblr and seeing all these body positive photos or whatever, manips, and like things that said EAT!! No matter what you do, EAT!!! Eat whatever you want!! Being happy is what's most important!!! If it wasn't already known, I hate like 90% of tumblr and the bullshit everyone splurts everywhere. Not to say that anyone is wrong or anything, or they aren't entitled to an opinion, but the majority of what I see is such contradictory bullshit, and people just wanting to be coddled for being lazy and not wanting to do things, or wanting to actually work for something. There's a difference between someone who has depression for example, and finds it difficult to find the motivation to do something, and someone just being a little bitch and wanting to binge watch 80 episodes on Netflix or hand out with friends instead of doing a paper they inevitably end up getting a bad grade on because they spent literally no time on it.

What gets me most are the ones aimed towards people with issues against food. Maybe because I have issues with food myself, but it always bothers me when people say EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! ACCEPT EVERYONE!! ACCEPT ALL SIZES!!! But then the second someone says they want to go on a diet, they're bombarded with 'no!! you should love yourself!!! youre perfect!!!" Look, there's nothing wrong with being happy with your body or weight. If you're healthy -now- that's great, but don't want you to stay that way? It's not just about NOW. Also, have you ever thought that maybe you're not feeling well BECAUSE of what you're eating? I can't even eat overly fried food/greasy food/typical american 'fast food' anymore without wanting to hurl because of how heavy it makes me feel. .... But of course you have to accept how you are now because the idea of changing yourself or your lifestyle for the better is totally unheard of and no one should do it because you can't be better than everyone else!!! No!! Everyone has to be mediocre and never fully grow into who they really are!!!

Oozes sarcasm

I'm so bad at writing, even if it's just my thoughts. I was relatively good at writing ( I think) at one point, but since schooling, there's been a ridiculous decline in my intellect :x

I wish I could gather my thoughts properly again. I used to write lyrics and songs, along with short stories (cough fanfiction cough), but now to even write a proper sentence I have to really think.... and the thought never comes to a resolution. Did you notice those random breaks aka paragraphs? Yeah, I don't even know.

This is all over the place, but whatever. How is everyone doing? I bought NYX makeup products off the website - if you guys have things from them that you use regularly and haven't purchased off the website yet, you can get 20% off once you sign up to the newsletter if you didn't know There's free shipping over a certain amount purchased, and items can be refunded even if used. (Which I have to do because this bronzer made me look like I was about to go on stage or a drag queen)

Also starting juicing 'fast' / clean eating until this weekend again. Wish me luck.


room12 「無論、死ぬまで」 (muron, shinumade)

Monday, February 2, 2015

Review: Wet and Wild, Kat Von D

I wanted to try everything immediately so I got swatches, and let's just say... if you're an avid fan of any of these items, you may not like this review.

On a plus side, though. If you have a Rite-aid near you, all Wet n Wild items are 40% off! L'oreal and a bunch of others as well are Buy One Get One Half Off! You can use coupons too, and even find some printable ones online. All Rite Aid makeup can be returned even if it's been opened, being my main reason to go there rather than say, Target.

L'oreal Paris - Magic Perfecting Base - 13.29$ USD

A creamy consistency. Seems okay on it's own. (It's on about half of my hand there)

It's here that I wanted to try the Foundation - L'oreal Paris - True Match LUMI Healthy Luminous Makeup (12.99$ USD) in W1-2 Porcelain/Light Ivory (as shown below) but as I put the top back on, it came apart - the entire bottle just, fell over while the top had 'broken' off. The entire top half of the foundation had been cracked and lifted off! On top of that, this foundation doesn't seem that good.

See the blotchy-ness? It could be the base, but after the incident, I don't care to try it without the primer.


A close up, but the lines seem really defined in just my hand.
I imagine it's even worse on my face...

Wet n Wild - Coverall Liquid Concealer Wand in 811 Fair - 2.99$ USD + 40% off

(L to R) Concealer, Concealer patted in, With (Chanel) Powder.

I think the only thing that saved this one was the Chanel powder. However, it's still very grainy. 
Nevermind that the colours don't actually work with me - my skin is lighter than my hand.

For reference I used my 'normal' routine on my hand.
Pictured is Murad Primer (I don't think they sell it anymore..)
Chanel Perfection Lumiere, Chanel Poudre Universelle Compacte and Maybelline FIT me! Concealer.
The colour of concealer isn't 100% and the Chanel one works better in that department, but overall (if you can tell), it has a much silkier finish and doesn't look as 'grainy', or look as, for lack of better words, 'dirty' than L'oreal one imo.

(L to R) Wet n Wild - Mega Eyes Defining Marker 3.99$ USD, Mega Liner Liquid Liner 2.99$ USD,
Coloricon .99$ USD + 40% off (all in black)

Don't buy the marker. I did this on my hand and look at it (furthest to the left). Yeah, barely any pay off. I thought it would be like an actual marker, not an old pen-cap-left-off-the-marker-oh-shit-better-dab-it-on-my-tongue-and-hope-it-gets-wet-enough-to-work type of marker. I had to rub it quite a bit on my hand just to get that colour; imagine the pain for your eyeball covers.

To the right of that is the liquid liner. It looks nice so far, but I haven't tried it on a full face of makeup yet to see how long it lasts, but as far as this go, it looks pretty nice. Before drying it may get everywhere, but it seemed to dry pretty fast.

The one on the far right is the regular pencil. Even just drawing it on my hand looked a bit faded, but if you can see on the next picture, it rubs away so easily. Not in a good, easy to smudge away, either. Just look at it! It's barely left any colour! Not impressed by either pencil or marker. The liner seems the best out of all the items so far, and i'm excited to test it out properly.

Wet n Wild - (L to R) 392 A Tunnel Vision, 395 A The Naked Truth 3.99$USD each + 40% off

Wet n Wild - (L to R) 336 Spoiled Brat 2.99$ USD, 738 Comfort Zone 4.99$ USD + 40% off

I tried to keep the order of eyeshadow and the swatches close together to make it easier.
I must say, I am impressed. I did notice though, if you can see in "The Naked Truth" Palette, that it sort of crumbled already. I barely pressed down and it took up so much colour on the little sponge.
The colours aren't anything too new or special, but I tend to rebuy a lot of the same things - really neutral colours.
I'm a little disappointed in the pink colour of "Spoiled Brat" since I was looking for a really good, deep, pink colour. I swiped it 3-4 times over my hand and it was still pretty light, especially compared to all the other colours.
The "Define" for "Comfort Zone" (The one on the left hand size there that looks green-ish) really surprised me too, it ended up swatching a beautiful copper brownish colour with a hint of green sheen.

I've heard the most about the Wet n Wild eyeshadow palettes, and I'm not surprised. Especially for the price, these colours seem to be quite good. My comparison (since I legit have used the same things for years and rarely go outside my comfort zone haha) would be and and all of the Bourjois Eyeshadows - my favourite are the Smoky Eyes Trio.
For the price, however, these neutral or darker shades can be a good substitute. They sell singles too from what I saw, though seemed to be limited in available colours.

Wet n Wild - Ultimate Brow Kit 3.99$ USD + 40% off

I don't have too much to say about this since I haven't actually used it on my brows yet, but so far, I don't imagine the "brow wax" (white thing up there) will 'hold' my eyebrows as it describes, since I have very coarse hair. I don't like tiny tweezers either, personally. I feel like the colours are a little too grey for my personal skin tone and preference as well, so i'm not sure how well this will work, but we'll see! It could look much better than my usual one. If it works colour wise, I've heard some good things about this as well.

For a comparison, I regularly use a Japanese drugstore brand eyebrow kit by Cezanne. It's sort of like the equivalent of Wet n Wild and is about 500¥ (under 5$USD).

Kat Von D - True Romance Eyeshadow Palette 9.99$ USD, Everlasting Lover Liquid Lipstick 6.99$ USD
Wet n Wild - Megaslicks Balm Stain (below) 2.99$ USD

Megaclicks balm stain - limited colour payoff. I bought a very beige colour, so that could be the problem, but I was hoping for a good nude-ish colour and this is literally nothing. 'Colourless' chapstick that looks white will give you more colour to be completely honest. (fyi thats patch of colour is after rubbing it over a few times)

Kat Von D Lipstick is amazing. This colour stain is so rich and sticks so well. I tried a little on my lips and it was just as great. I'm not sure how long it'll stay since i've just swatched it, but I'm impressed enough. I don't really wear lipstick or anything when I go out unless it's a nude colour, but when I want to take a photo, you bet I want a bold colour to pop and look amazing.

So, the eyeshadow palette and lipstick I got at Marshall's (discount store, if you don't know it). The items are probably a bit old, but i'm hoping not more than a year or so. I read online that they were selling the palette for half off at Sephora in September because they were re-vamping, or just trying to focus more on the lipsticks? I have no idea, but I got this for 10$ USD, and the lipstick for $7. Not bad at all. I think part of the reason, or as a result, the one cream eyeshadow (second from the top in the palette, up there, I wasn't able to get a swatch) had dried up. You can see the condensation on the mirror a little bit.

I'm not sure if it has any effect on the other shadows, but the colours are gorgeous imo. All colours I would like to use! I actually think maybe the dry shadows became a bit more dry because there seemed to be some clumping and fall out, but easily blown away. To be honest, I love the way the colours look too much to be too upset, and for the price it's definitely not bad. (Also plan on trying to fix that cream eyeshadow with some alcohol).

Overall? I feel like i've upset the Chanel gods and started a basket to re-buy all the Chanel items I have and have run out of and it quickly exceeded 450$USD.... eh....heh... (but won't/can't re-purchase just yet...)

In the meanwhile, i'm returning most of the items sans the wet n wild eyeshadow palettes, liquid eyeliner, mascara (depending on how it is when I try it!), and Kat Von D items. Incredibly disappointed in the L'oreal products, but I guess I just have to try some more. Any recommendations!? 

Friday, January 30, 2015

Makeup Review: Physicians Formula, Maybeline

So i've been more obsessed with watching "get ready with me" or "whatevermonths favourite" videos on youtube lately, and of course that got me to start wanting to try a few products that people have mentioned.

Since I can't/don't want to spend too much money on unnecessary items, I decided to try some drugstore brand items first. I've tried many high end brands in the past, but for the past few years, i've basically stuck with the same-old items (which I can get to later, and probably will just to show what I use regularly - it's really REALLY minimal). Anyway, so i've never been much of a drugstore brand girl. I've never tried a drugstore foundation (that I know of) until this point, at least in this country - I think I've tried a few in Japan, however. So I was -REALLY- new to all of this. I've gone through the makeup aisles of course, but my collection is pretty minimal, and I'm pretty stuck in my ways, so unless something is -absolutely amazing- I won't be persuaded so easily.

But, of course being the lazy, yet not lazy when it comes to google person that I am, I of course had to check out all the reviews and videos I could, to find the best ones.

This first one, not being one of them. Ha.

Physicians Formula - Youthful Wear in Light - 14.95$ USD

I bought this at Fred Meyers (eugh, not a fan of these large super store type places), but it had a large variety of make up so I scoped it out. I saw one person (asian) that mentioned this, and she said it worked amazingly, so having that bit of assurance from someone else who may have the colour issue/skin type (she seemed to have the same skin type as me from her other videos), I thought I would enjoy it. A few other people had mentioned physicians formula being an amazing brand, and great for being drugstore, but dear god will I never take that recommendation again.

★☆☆☆☆ - 1 star

This foundation was so greasy and disgusting I felt like I was putting oil directly onto my face. I can't believe anyone would want to use this! I don't know if this is just the type of foundation this is, or if it's a normal thing, but i've never used a greasy foundation! Nevertheless, I tried it on for the day. Eugh. Gross. The colour was a little too dark, and the undertone didn't match me just right, it made me look, I dunno, dirty? Somehow, it was weird. The coverage was quite well, but the BB cream I had underneath for half of my face (to see how it worked with and without) was overly tinted, it was basically a light coverage foundation. Anyway, coverage and stay wise - sure, it's okay. But it does get into creases, and that greasy feeling - it doesn't leave you.

Physicians Formula - Mineral Wear Loose Powder - 12.95$ USD

Well, I wanted to try a powder to go along with the above liquid foundation.

Terrible mistake.

★★☆☆☆ - 2 stars

Okay, so the powder itself wasn't really bad. I mean, it set the foundation and kept it a little matte, but that quickly faded. (PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS SO GREASY) but the powder itself wasn't terrible. I mean, it was just loose powder IMO. -BUT- this ridiculous casing, however cute and handy with the little brush on top, is so difficult to use and the tiny brush is so hard to use because of the size. The powder literally gets everywhere, and I wasn't sure how to get it out nicely. I guess it's made for an "emergency" and to be compact and able to carry around or something, but I would never carry -loose- powder with me, so it rendered useless. Oh, and the colour... well, it's just a light colour, so it's sort of hard to mess this one up.

Maybelline New York - FIT me! Pressed powder - 7.99$ USD

I had read and saw on youtube that the fit me line was great (but I guess they just meant one specific product which is down below), so I wanted to try the powder since it was on sale, and I much rather have a pressed powder to carry around with me instead of a loose one.

★★☆☆☆ - 2 stars

Yeah, bad idea. The colour, like the physicians formula, was okay, but something about the undertone made me look dirty somehow. I guess it's too yellow it makes me look even more yellow? I'm not sure, but it looked bad. It didn't matter so much though, since there is literally no colour pay off unless you pack this baby on, and once you do, boy, can you tell. I used this on another day, separate from the loose powder and there was such a huge difference. I generally like using a pressed powder when i'm out, since I don't want to carry loose powder around with me, but I don't think I'd want to use this even as a back-up. I give this two stars, only because if you really just do a tiny bit, I don't think it would do much damage, but if you want any colour pay off at all, you'll pack it on and it'll get into any crease or crevasse and all those pores you've tried so hard to minimize with all those expensive products will look as big as ever. (Though that could be due to that terrible foundation...) 

Maybelline New York FIT me! Concealer - 6.49$ USD

One item on my list that many youtubers had actually mentioned for once (I know, what was the point of those other ones then).

★★★★☆ - 4/5 stars

Finally, something I didn't have to return.

So, from what I saw on youtube was that was a good dupe for the MAC concealer. I've never tried it since I have a thing against MAC and haven't been there since living in Japan, but I did use the Chanel concealer quite often and it's about equal, if not better than that in my opinion. (The chanel one tbh isn't that amazing, I mean it does it's job, but it wasn't that... concealing). This product on the other hand is really affordable and conceals great. It lasts pretty darn well too, so long as you have a good base. (I don't wear concealer alone which apparently is a thing?? so I can't say i've tested it out like that). The only reason I don't give it 5/5 is because I don't like the idea of putting a brush directly to my face. I prefer tubes or pumps or something that doesn't directly touch my skin - especially if you have acne or something to cover up and the whole cross contamination thing. I usually just put it on the back of my hand and dab it on from there, but I dunno, maybe that's the point.

As I was writing this I went out and bought two Kat Von D items and like 25$usd worth of on-sale Wet and Wild products, so i'll test those out. I don't mind buying cheap items like eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick and the sort so long as my base is nice looks good, which is why I put most of my money and emphasis on skin care, primer, and foundation rather than everything else. I've seen a lot of good reviews on certain Wet and Wild products, so i'm excited to see if they're as good as they say! I think I bought like, 5 eyeshadow palettes haha

Anyway starting from the bottom (price range) up, I guess!

P.S. I've compared the above items to the following items that i've been using regularly for too many years now:

Foundation: Chanel Perfection Lumiere
Loose Powder: Skin Food Peach Sake Silky Finish Powder / Chanel Universelle Libre 
Pressed powder: Chanel Poudre Universelle Compacte 
Concealer: Chanel Correcteur Perfection

I didn't realize it was mostly Chanel :v I guess i'm just a chanel girl when it comes to base makeup... :v

Saturday, January 24, 2015

About me - Eating disorder

One of those "my story" type things, but I hate that title so I just said 'About me' haha.

Anyway, so i you're not into these kind of posts just skip it, but I think I might make this blog a place to vent/write more about my actual daily life just to give me something to do that's somewhat productive (which says a lot because you can imagine how unproductive I am to consider typing up a blog-entry-productive). 

When I was really young I wasn't actually overweight, but once I started schooling I start putting on the pounds. I lived with my grandma while my mother worked, so that could be part of it (I guess the grandparents trying to stuff you full runs in any country haha). But because of that, by the time I was in the 8th grade I weight around 136kg (300lbs). The most I have ever weighed. I actually may have weighed more than this, but I stopped checking the scales. Of course I had cared about my weight by then, but at this point I had had enough and was sick of just crying myself to sleep about it. I would stay up and do 1000 crunches every night and 100 pushups, run in place for as long as I could (which wasn't that long because I'm pretty easily distracted) but situps and pushups you can do on the ground.

Slowly I started skipping breakfast, then throwing my lunch away or just 'buying' it at school and just getting a salad with nothing else. Of course it wasn't easy at first and I would come home and just binge binge binge. But I did end up losing weight, because I didn't binge as much as I skipped. Eventually I got the hang of skipping meals and by my third year in high school? I believe, I was going a few days without food. Mind you, I'm still huge so I didn't look like your typical 'anorexic' at this point, and from what I remember from looking at all the 'thinspo' sites, is that what I was was called 'ed-nos' or whatever. I didn't care for that kind of stuff, I was still /fat/. 

So of course I tried diet pills (which, to be honest, even if I didn't diet they were amazing because I could stay up and work for hours haha), tried working out more, but failed because of hating to be looked at at the gym and just continued to restrict. I envied the people who could just go to the gym, but even to this day, I hate the thought of people looking at me. I don't care what they think of me, but I hated how I looked so I hated the idea of other people seeing what I see - i'm still very much like this.

After all of this I made it to about 90kg (200lbs) and I moved back to Japan. Yeah, that was great. Just going on my usual diet, but actually eating a little because I lived with my dad, I still managed to get to 81kg (180lbs) where I plateaued for a few years. I hated everything, I hated still being fat, I hated college, I hated work, I knew if I was thinner I'd have more confidence (which, ha, I did). So since I couldn't avoid eating entirely, I started purging. [biggest mistake of my life]

Of course this worked at first, and to anyone who says it doesn't work is dumb. Of course it works, but that doesn't mean it's your easy way of getting thin. You do get used to it. And it's very much not good for you (duh). I lost another 20kg or so doing this and ended up in the 60kg (132lbs) range. I still had a huge bloopy stomach though, even though I was 'average' weight - turns out, I have a tiny body frame. We moved from one area of Tokyo to another, near shibuya where a bunch of rich people lived but was secluded enough that I could run around. I ran every morning, only a few minutes since I couldn't go for too long, and walked everywhere (which I did in general in Japan anyway). Eventually I made it to somewhere in the 50s, maybe under the 50kg range (110lbs or lower) and I was -happy-. I was super healthy, I even ate at this point. Nothing super fatty, but I had three to five meals a day. (Still probably below 2000kal, but nothing too drastic).

But of course, I wouldn't be writing this if there wasn't a downfall. Because of problems at home and a lot of other stress piling on, I began to binge eat again. This was fine since I kept purging it, but this is when it started getting bad. I wouldn't purge it. Not in time, at least. I'm not sure the actual legit-ness of this, but I read that if you don't purge whatever you ate in 20 minutes, you gain most of the calories anyway. Well, I would eat so much I would pass out and wake up 8 hours later.

And then purge.

What's the point then, right. I would feel empty enough to want to eat /again/ which is what I did.

This went on and off until I was back to 60kg (132) then 80 (176) and so on and so on. I had actually got it down again to around 70kg (154) and was slowly bringing it back down, until my dad told me to basically gtfo and some other really obnoxious things which led me to move into my own place, and eventually leave the country (mistake #2). Since then i've gained more weight and it's because I still do this binge and purge thing - but not in tme. I hate purging. I doubt anyone actually enjoys it - do they? But of course, purging is better than keeping that disgusting food inside of you. Which is why I still do it.

So that's 'my story' I guess. It's still not over and i'm still working on getting healthy. I just find it so weird that it was so easy to just be happy and eat normally when I actually hit a good weight that I felt comfortable at. That's really all I want to get back to since it's the healthiest and happiest i've ever been. 

I guess that's where I'm going to begin this "weight loss diary" (仮). I plan on trying to eat 'healthy' ish... probably not too healthy, but as healthy as I feel I can actually /eat/ without having the urge to binge (which it's really easy to trigger me to get there) so maybe i'll post some recipes and what not.

^^^^ I wrote all that up a while ago and never published it, but there you go. I know a lot of people around me have issues with dieting/food/weight (too much or too little), and i'm no health expert by ANY MEANS but I do research a lot of stuff, so if you would like any input i'm totally open to discussion or helping you out, or if you just want to talk about it, whether you're going through something similar, or just have some thoughts about restricting or already in the ED world. It's definitely easier to get out of the mindset before you start PHYSICALLY doing things...

Of course fat people/unhealthy people (not necessarily the same thing, but generally speaking, if you look obese youre gonna be unhealthy) know they are unhealthy. Whether it be too thin or too big, (most) people aren't stupid. Ideals get skewed, and some people want to have a certain look, whether you approve of that or not is a different story. In my case, I know i'm fat, I know what I need to do to be healthy and skinny, but easier said than done. People have this stigma that fat people just don't know how to take care of themselves, but it's not as easy to implement something; larger people, generally speaking, ---probably--- know more about health than "thinner" "normal" people since that's literally all so many of us do, battle our weight day in and day out. We know all the new "trends" and we know they don't work but that doesn't mean we don't have a tiny glimmer of hope that they will. We know an active, healthy lifestyle is what is what gets you to that ultimate goal -but it's not just about that-.

Oh, and if it's a little hard to add up the years up there, I basically started out with anorexia (tendencies I guess, since I wasn't underweight) when I was 13-14, and started purging around 17-18. Essentially i've been doing something or other for 14 or so years, so more than half of my life, really.

Anyway, that last bit went into a bit of a tangent, but that's me in a nutshell. I'll start posting daily (I'LL TRY) if anything just for myself so I can put it out there what I ate and what I did each day. Maybe it will motivate me some. I hope it does. If anyone wants to start a diet or anything with me, please let me know! I'll try to write up about some things i've been doing lately, and my general plan in the next day or two, or some skin care/makeup reviews/routine stuff.

Sorry for the tldr;
here's some good music to make up for it!

Ólafur Arnalds - Ljósið (Official Music Video)