Tuesday, December 8, 2015


The title of this post is something I do often, and happens to be one of my favourite 'words', I guess. It translates to "genjitsu touhi", or in English as "escaping reality" (in a bad way, as in you're running away, not just getting away, ya feel?)

Anyway, I had so many posts I wanted to do, and actually wrote up partially but didn't have the 'energy' (やる気) to actually do any of it. On the real, i'm really trying to work on myself, because that's the only way I can get out of this rut.

I have a problem with people who are constantly telling me to not change, that i'm beautiful the way I am, that looks aren't everything, yaddah yaddah. Well, to me they are. They are really important. And I could care less about what you think. I care about what I think, and how I see myself, and I hate it. That's why I want to change. Not to mention, perpetuating the idea of staying who you are, whether physically, mentally, or whatever else is the stupidest thing I see going around these days. Are you really not going to expand and try to be a better person? Sure, you're not the same person you were yesterday because each day brings, no matter how small, a new experience, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're growing from it. You actually have to actively do stuff to you know, better yourself as a human being. Or do you think you're perfect? Because I have a huge ego (despite hating myself) and even I know I am not perfect.

I try not to be angry at the world, but it's hard. Stupid things piss me off, even when I don't want them to. But it's not even big things that bother me, it's the tiniest things that no one even notices. I guess that's the B-type blood in me.

That being said, I haven't actually gotten diagnosed with either ADHD/ADD, but I'm pretty sure I have something along those lines. I've seen a few people/heard a few people say that neither of them exist, and you sir, are fucking dumb. I totally think it's something we brought upon ourselves/made it worse, but the actual disorder is a real thing.

Moreover, I totally think I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I was actually told I probably have it by my mental health doctor (that was more for helping me with sleeping issues and anxiety which greatly went away) than like psychiatric help. He was observing me though, and I wasn't particularly prescribed anything or told anything concrete. But also, at the time I was still hating myself typically, but I was in a pretty good place.

Since i've moved to America, i've gained a ridiculous amount of weight. My binge/purge issues have been terrible, and I haven't even been able to fast. (I think I mentioned it on here before...) I keep trying to work out, eat less, but after a few good days, I just end up hating myself and without even honestly realizing it, i've binged on like 15,000kal. I don't even like food, it's just something to stuff into my face, and I guess habit.

I'm really trying to stay positive. I'm actually surprisingly positive and critical thinking when it comes to -most- things, but when it comes to how I look, I really don't care, I just want to go from point a to point b as fast as possible. Also, come on, i'm old. I don't want to be fat for another 10 years.

Tangent, tangents. Anyway, I don't have many friends here, but the few I do have, I occasionally go outside to see. I know this is going to sound like a stupid plea of 'wow feel bad for me and congratulate me for doing so well' but I don't mean it like that, I really just want the acknowledgment? I guess. It's really REALLY fucking hard for me to go outside knowing how ugly I am. I can't wear the clothes I want, I can't style my hair or wear makeup I want. I can't even take a selfie most of the time because I HATE how I look. It takes me days in advance to even plan on going outside. It's not something I just say OH OKAY IM GOING TO GO OUT AND SEE YOU NOW. It's really REALLY fucking hard. I don't cry ever (unless a pet dies), but if I did, I would probably be crying non-stop. Just breathing makes me want to rip off all the fat off my body. I hate sitting down, I can feel all my rolls, how fat my chest is/upper body, how gross my stomach has gotten, my thighs touching. It's a disgrace and I should be let down for being so fucking ugly and fat.

The thigh thing btw - I'm top heavy, so whenever people say 'thigh gaps aren't possible' is dumb as shit, because it totally depends on the body. I wasn't even skinny, but even at like 140lbs I had a thigh gap, just because my legs are the thinner part of me. When I was near my lower weight of like 100-110 even band men (SKINNY ASS BAND MEN) commented on how nice and thin my legs were. It was the one thing I liked other than my collar bones (my neck area was thin, it's my back/waist/arms that are huge). If I had only lost a few more pounds I would have actually been good at that point. It takes a while for my upper body to lose weight, so I really do have to be 100pounds or less to actually look proportionate (even though I get a lot of shit for it). I've been close, man. And I was completely healthy and still a little squish. My body frame is -ridiculously- small, I don't have much muscle and that area of weight was just good for me.

Of course I just rambled on about nothing related to anything of course, but I just get annoyed mid sentence about things I suddenly remember.

Anyway, so my goal this year is the same as always. Get under 100lbs/around 40-45ish kg and see how I feel from there. I don't like the completely emaciated look, just ridiculously skinny. I wrote out a plan, and I really want to stick with it, but it's going to be so hard. Nothing comes easy though, so I better suck it the fuck up haha

I remember when I was actually "thin" ish and had so much more life in me because I didn't hate myself 100000%. I still needed to lose some weight, but I was lightyears happier than I am now. For me, weight really determines my happiness. When I lost weight, my face looked better and slimmer, I had veins showing which is totally my thing, and my collarbones and slight hip bones were amazing.

When I was in middle school/high school, I was 300+lbs, and I don't even know why it suddenly hit me, but just knowing how incredibly fat I was put me in a huge depression. I cut myself, stopped eating, did everything I could think to do to lose weight. I was so upset for how fat I was, I hated it, I hated myself. And now, I feel that same hatred. When I had lost that weight of nearly 200lbs, I actually didn't mind going outside, or seeing friends. Not to mention i'm a total attention whore and loved compliments and people telling me how beautiful I am.

To be honest, I still get told I'm beautiful. But I don't care, because I don't believe it.

For that short period of time that I was thin-ish, I actually believed it. And I fucking loved it. That's all I want again. I want to know i'm beautiful. Because that's all I want in life. I want to be surrounded by beautiful things, and be beautiful myself. I have ridiculous expectations of other people and myself that I will probably die alone, but as long as until then, I can bathe in attention I'll be fine haha

Things like this make me sound like I really have no grasp of reality, but I swear I do. I just don't care when it comes to myself, I guess.

I don't even know what this post is. I just didn't have anyone to talk to that I felt would properly listen to me, or actually care enough to give me feedback? Or let me rant without saying 'nooooo youre pretty :((((((' or some other useless shit that some people may need to hear, but not me. So here we are in another jumbled up stream of consciousness since that's all I can do.

.... unrelated again, but I can't believe how bad I am at gathering my thoughts together, or just... writing. I mean, I wasn't amazing before, but considering I BS'd 99% of my work in hs and college and still passed, it's sort of deplorable. I must have lost multiple brain cells that will never return.... god damnit. (And now to hate myself not only for my looks, but now also being a useless human being with no actual talents or life goals other than to be hot and skinny).


Here's some music.

Sakanaction - Shin Takara Jima

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