ぬるぬるぬる

I meant to do a few more updates on makeup I tried from the drugstore but ended up returning it all before taking photos or doing a post. It was all, for lack of better words, shit, so it discouraged me. Sort of ridiculous, but tiny little insignificant things like that discourage me and make me lose any sort of motivation for days. Forget about "i'll do it tomorrow", it's more like "ugh give me a week."

I feel like a lot of people I know online feel the same way (well, some of my friends offline as well).

Literally 98% of any sort of emotion i'm having that day will be connected to my weight, which is why it's often all I talk about if asked, but I generally try to not bring it up into conversation when someones asks the socially required question - how are you? To which of course, is always the same answer - fine. Because who really wants to go on about how they're feeling to someone who actually has to ask.

So, well, as you can guess i've just been feeling shitty lately. Shitty as in fat, so I feel shitty. It's so ridiculously obnoxious (I am, not like, anything tangible, just my entire being) to do anything. I still find little things to do, but I hate the idea of going outside - not to avoid people or anything, but because the idea of being looked at is so infuriating. Especially looking how I do now. (I think I mentioned this before). Gross, such fat. Such rolls. Wow.

I'm just spewing words here now, but the other day I was looking at tumblr and seeing all these body positive photos or whatever, manips, and like things that said EAT!! No matter what you do, EAT!!! Eat whatever you want!! Being happy is what's most important!!! If it wasn't already known, I hate like 90% of tumblr and the bullshit everyone splurts everywhere. Not to say that anyone is wrong or anything, or they aren't entitled to an opinion, but the majority of what I see is such contradictory bullshit, and people just wanting to be coddled for being lazy and not wanting to do things, or wanting to actually work for something. There's a difference between someone who has depression for example, and finds it difficult to find the motivation to do something, and someone just being a little bitch and wanting to binge watch 80 episodes on Netflix or hand out with friends instead of doing a paper they inevitably end up getting a bad grade on because they spent literally no time on it.

What gets me most are the ones aimed towards people with issues against food. Maybe because I have issues with food myself, but it always bothers me when people say EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! ACCEPT EVERYONE!! ACCEPT ALL SIZES!!! But then the second someone says they want to go on a diet, they're bombarded with 'no!! you should love yourself!!! youre perfect!!!" Look, there's nothing wrong with being happy with your body or weight. If you're healthy -now- that's great, but don't want you to stay that way? It's not just about NOW. Also, have you ever thought that maybe you're not feeling well BECAUSE of what you're eating? I can't even eat overly fried food/greasy food/typical american 'fast food' anymore without wanting to hurl because of how heavy it makes me feel. .... But of course you have to accept how you are now because the idea of changing yourself or your lifestyle for the better is totally unheard of and no one should do it because you can't be better than everyone else!!! No!! Everyone has to be mediocre and never fully grow into who they really are!!!

Oozes sarcasm


I'm so bad at writing, even if it's just my thoughts. I was relatively good at writing ( I think) at one point, but since schooling, there's been a ridiculous decline in my intellect :x

I wish I could gather my thoughts properly again. I used to write lyrics and songs, along with short stories (cough fanfiction cough), but now to even write a proper sentence I have to really think.... and the thought never comes to a resolution. Did you notice those random breaks aka paragraphs? Yeah, I don't even know.

This is all over the place, but whatever. How is everyone doing? I bought NYX makeup products off the website - if you guys have things from them that you use regularly and haven't purchased off the website yet, you can get 20% off once you sign up to the newsletter if you didn't know There's free shipping over a certain amount purchased, and items can be refunded even if used. (Which I have to do because this bronzer made me look like I was about to go on stage or a drag queen)


Also starting juicing 'fast' / clean eating until this weekend again. Wish me luck.



....&music!!

room12 「無論、死ぬまで」 (muron, shinumade)