Saturday, January 24, 2015

About me - Eating disorder

One of those "my story" type things, but I hate that title so I just said 'About me' haha.

Anyway, so i you're not into these kind of posts just skip it, but I think I might make this blog a place to vent/write more about my actual daily life just to give me something to do that's somewhat productive (which says a lot because you can imagine how unproductive I am to consider typing up a blog-entry-productive). 

When I was really young I wasn't actually overweight, but once I started schooling I start putting on the pounds. I lived with my grandma while my mother worked, so that could be part of it (I guess the grandparents trying to stuff you full runs in any country haha). But because of that, by the time I was in the 8th grade I weight around 136kg (300lbs). The most I have ever weighed. I actually may have weighed more than this, but I stopped checking the scales. Of course I had cared about my weight by then, but at this point I had had enough and was sick of just crying myself to sleep about it. I would stay up and do 1000 crunches every night and 100 pushups, run in place for as long as I could (which wasn't that long because I'm pretty easily distracted) but situps and pushups you can do on the ground.

Slowly I started skipping breakfast, then throwing my lunch away or just 'buying' it at school and just getting a salad with nothing else. Of course it wasn't easy at first and I would come home and just binge binge binge. But I did end up losing weight, because I didn't binge as much as I skipped. Eventually I got the hang of skipping meals and by my third year in high school? I believe, I was going a few days without food. Mind you, I'm still huge so I didn't look like your typical 'anorexic' at this point, and from what I remember from looking at all the 'thinspo' sites, is that what I was was called 'ed-nos' or whatever. I didn't care for that kind of stuff, I was still /fat/. 

So of course I tried diet pills (which, to be honest, even if I didn't diet they were amazing because I could stay up and work for hours haha), tried working out more, but failed because of hating to be looked at at the gym and just continued to restrict. I envied the people who could just go to the gym, but even to this day, I hate the thought of people looking at me. I don't care what they think of me, but I hated how I looked so I hated the idea of other people seeing what I see - i'm still very much like this.

After all of this I made it to about 90kg (200lbs) and I moved back to Japan. Yeah, that was great. Just going on my usual diet, but actually eating a little because I lived with my dad, I still managed to get to 81kg (180lbs) where I plateaued for a few years. I hated everything, I hated still being fat, I hated college, I hated work, I knew if I was thinner I'd have more confidence (which, ha, I did). So since I couldn't avoid eating entirely, I started purging. [biggest mistake of my life]

Of course this worked at first, and to anyone who says it doesn't work is dumb. Of course it works, but that doesn't mean it's your easy way of getting thin. You do get used to it. And it's very much not good for you (duh). I lost another 20kg or so doing this and ended up in the 60kg (132lbs) range. I still had a huge bloopy stomach though, even though I was 'average' weight - turns out, I have a tiny body frame. We moved from one area of Tokyo to another, near shibuya where a bunch of rich people lived but was secluded enough that I could run around. I ran every morning, only a few minutes since I couldn't go for too long, and walked everywhere (which I did in general in Japan anyway). Eventually I made it to somewhere in the 50s, maybe under the 50kg range (110lbs or lower) and I was -happy-. I was super healthy, I even ate at this point. Nothing super fatty, but I had three to five meals a day. (Still probably below 2000kal, but nothing too drastic).

But of course, I wouldn't be writing this if there wasn't a downfall. Because of problems at home and a lot of other stress piling on, I began to binge eat again. This was fine since I kept purging it, but this is when it started getting bad. I wouldn't purge it. Not in time, at least. I'm not sure the actual legit-ness of this, but I read that if you don't purge whatever you ate in 20 minutes, you gain most of the calories anyway. Well, I would eat so much I would pass out and wake up 8 hours later.

And then purge.

What's the point then, right. I would feel empty enough to want to eat /again/ which is what I did.

This went on and off until I was back to 60kg (132) then 80 (176) and so on and so on. I had actually got it down again to around 70kg (154) and was slowly bringing it back down, until my dad told me to basically gtfo and some other really obnoxious things which led me to move into my own place, and eventually leave the country (mistake #2). Since then i've gained more weight and it's because I still do this binge and purge thing - but not in tme. I hate purging. I doubt anyone actually enjoys it - do they? But of course, purging is better than keeping that disgusting food inside of you. Which is why I still do it.

So that's 'my story' I guess. It's still not over and i'm still working on getting healthy. I just find it so weird that it was so easy to just be happy and eat normally when I actually hit a good weight that I felt comfortable at. That's really all I want to get back to since it's the healthiest and happiest i've ever been. 

I guess that's where I'm going to begin this "weight loss diary" (仮). I plan on trying to eat 'healthy' ish... probably not too healthy, but as healthy as I feel I can actually /eat/ without having the urge to binge (which it's really easy to trigger me to get there) so maybe i'll post some recipes and what not.

^^^^ I wrote all that up a while ago and never published it, but there you go. I know a lot of people around me have issues with dieting/food/weight (too much or too little), and i'm no health expert by ANY MEANS but I do research a lot of stuff, so if you would like any input i'm totally open to discussion or helping you out, or if you just want to talk about it, whether you're going through something similar, or just have some thoughts about restricting or already in the ED world. It's definitely easier to get out of the mindset before you start PHYSICALLY doing things...

Of course fat people/unhealthy people (not necessarily the same thing, but generally speaking, if you look obese youre gonna be unhealthy) know they are unhealthy. Whether it be too thin or too big, (most) people aren't stupid. Ideals get skewed, and some people want to have a certain look, whether you approve of that or not is a different story. In my case, I know i'm fat, I know what I need to do to be healthy and skinny, but easier said than done. People have this stigma that fat people just don't know how to take care of themselves, but it's not as easy to implement something; larger people, generally speaking, ---probably--- know more about health than "thinner" "normal" people since that's literally all so many of us do, battle our weight day in and day out. We know all the new "trends" and we know they don't work but that doesn't mean we don't have a tiny glimmer of hope that they will. We know an active, healthy lifestyle is what is what gets you to that ultimate goal -but it's not just about that-.

Oh, and if it's a little hard to add up the years up there, I basically started out with anorexia (tendencies I guess, since I wasn't underweight) when I was 13-14, and started purging around 17-18. Essentially i've been doing something or other for 14 or so years, so more than half of my life, really.

Anyway, that last bit went into a bit of a tangent, but that's me in a nutshell. I'll start posting daily (I'LL TRY) if anything just for myself so I can put it out there what I ate and what I did each day. Maybe it will motivate me some. I hope it does. If anyone wants to start a diet or anything with me, please let me know! I'll try to write up about some things i've been doing lately, and my general plan in the next day or two, or some skin care/makeup reviews/routine stuff.

Sorry for the tldr;
here's some good music to make up for it!

Ólafur Arnalds - Ljósið (Official Music Video)

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for posting this. I was remembering my struggle the other day. I got past it, so it's weird remembering I was in such a bad place. I was counting every calorie and putting clean dishes in the dishwasher to make it look like I had eaten. And it's so true that heavier people probably know more about health. People look at me and think I'm fit because I'm thin, but it turns out I'm anemic and vitamin D deficient and protein malnourished and now I'm on a bunch of expensive supplements and a diet plan so I don't pass out by 3pm every day and die by age 50. I still don't own a scale, and I'm torn because my nutritional therapist keeps telling me to "eat healthy fats!" and all I hear is "FAT" and it makes me really nervous. I'm not in the place I was, but it makes me nervous, wondering can I get in shape (not get winded going up 3 flights of stairs) without returning to that obsessive place? I just want to be healthy, but it sure as fuck ain't easy.